dear employee,

Trust me, I've been there. I have locked my keys in the car. With the car running. Twice. I have locked myself out of my boyfriend's apartment. I have locked myself out of my own apartment. I have locked myself out of my dorm room in a towel. In fact, I recently locked myself out of a dorm room at my college reunion. Thank God my friend Tracy remembered how to call Security. We had to wait forever, sitting in the grody hallway, watching the class of '03 parade up and down in their pre-class-dinner glory, reeking of perfume and alcohol. That was pretty bad.

So, I come to you from a place of empathy. It sucks anytime a locked door comes between you and your plans, belongings, or dignity. You stand there, sans key, wondering if that really just happened. I understand, honey. I really do.

That said, it is not my responsibility to remind you to collect your keys, your purse, your cell phone, your snacks, your water bottle, your folder of important papers, and any other personal items from the back room before the last person who has a key to that room, and who does not have a cell phone, locks the door and leaves for the day. Also, stomping around the office will not help. Also, talking loudly on your cell phone will not help.

I wasn't holding out on you - it just took me awhile to think of where the extra key might be hidden. I can think better without stomping and yelling. I know you didn't mean to yell, but your voice is naturally kinda loud.

No, I am not going to tell you where the extra key is kept. But now you know who to call if it happens again. Just please use your inside voice.

Sincerely,

Me.

P.S. You're welcome.